My name is John Kerry and I want to be your President...I think.

RESIDENCE:
I own seven mansions, including the one in Washington, D.C., worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.

Unlike my opponent, George W. Bush, I have no higher education and I did not get admitted to Harvard - or graduate with a M.B.A.

MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the United States, joined others in protesting the war and insulted returning Vietnam veterans by claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. Next, I threw my medals and ribbons - or something - away in protest. Or did I?!

My book, VIETNAM VETERANS AGAINST THE WAR: THE NEW SOLDIER, shows how I truly feel about the military. That is why I am qualified to be your Commander-In-Chief.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for the United States Congress and have been there ever since.

I have no REAL work experience, except for marrying a rich woman and then running, vicariously through my wife Teresa, the H. J. Heinz Company.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS A UNITED STATES SENATOR:
I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and security agencies by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

For example:
·I voted to kill the Bradley Fighting Vehicle.
·I voted to kill the M-1 Abrams Tank.
·I voted to kill every aircraft carrier proposal from 1988.
·I voted to kill the Aegis Anti-Aircraft System.
·I voted to kill the F-15 Strike Eagle.
·I voted to kill the Block 60 F-16.
·I voted to kill the P-3 Orion upgrade.
·I voted to kill the B-1.
·I voted to kill the B-2.
·I voted to kill the Patriot Anti-Missile System.
·I voted to kill the FA-18.
·I voted to kill the B-2.
·I voted to kill the F-117.

In other words, I have voted to kill every military appropriation for the development and deployment of each weapon system since 1988, including the battle armor for our troops. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I have voted to cut or kill every law enforcement bill as well as the security/anti-terrorism activity of every agency of the United States government.

For Example:
·I have voted to cut the funding of the FBI by 60%.
·I have voted to cut the funding for the CIA by 80%.
·I have voted to cut the funding for the National Security Agency by 80%.

However, I DID vote to increase our funding for United Nations operations by 800%, and I have voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation that came my way. I have no plan to help this country, but I intend to significantly raise taxes if I am elected.

I make little or no charitable contributions and I have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. (I even ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of a fire.)

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, as they might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.

PERSONAL:
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, Geoge W. Bush, that he will never catch up.

For example: I ride a Serotta bicycle, valued at $2000-$6500. My Gulfstream V jet, that I call The Flying Squirrel, cost somewhere between $1,035,600.00 and $1,079,200.00 to purchase. The cost to operate it - per hour - is around $2,589.00 but, what the heck... I can afford it! I named my $850,000, 42-foot yacht, the Scarmouche.

I don't own any sports utility vehicles, but my family does - including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion - even though I am against large polluting/inefficient vehicles and I blame George Bush for current energy problems.

I am fascinated by "rap" and "hip-hop" music and you had better listen to it. Why? Because it reflects our REAL culture.

I would love to have your vote. So, please consider my qualifications and my (very limited) experience when you vote this November!